Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
