She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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