first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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