Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
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I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
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Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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