Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
