Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
