Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I think my fart just growled at me.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
