i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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