Can i not drive my cunt home
I want to walk on stilts...naked
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
