I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
