i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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