hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
