distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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