i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
