So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
