Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
