I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
