Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
