This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
