it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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