Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So much rum. So many feels.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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