How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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