booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
