my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Life is so much better after having sex.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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