An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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