He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
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and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
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Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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