well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
