So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
