Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i now understand why vodka
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
