We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
