I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
