My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
