i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
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I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
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he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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