Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
