Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
