$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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