So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
