The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
