he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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