just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
