guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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