I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
