Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
