if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
