mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
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My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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