Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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