The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
