You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
