I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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