I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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