I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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