I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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