Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
