The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital