i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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